In my last blog, and the previous one, I alluded to the time spent finding yourself. I also said that the journey of finding the self seems to be something we rarely talk about. That could be because it’s something that is so specific to the individual. Why would that be the case? I think the journey to knowing yourself is more about discovering your own lens through which the divine manifests. This presupposes we first want to know who we are, or are at least curious about what we could be. Then we have to believe we have a higher purpose, know that we were “meant” to do something, believe that there is a higher consciousness that animates and connects us, have curiosity about why humans were placed here on Earth to begin with…. you get my point. But, I think, this is all the journey of the self.

What is the Journey?

Now, I have some fantastic ideas about why I think this is, probably some that make you go….hmmmm. If you want to know more, buy me a cup of coffee and we’ll talk. To not go there, let’s just say that I think humans have all kinds of ideas about the evolution of humanity and we all walk to a different beat. We have cultural norms, familial norms, and even school/work/community norms that pervade our thinking. We project those onto others, we let others project onto us, most of the time without knowing it. I have this theory, that I think has finally been proven for me – although I’m open to argument. The theory is this: we start off life as an onion – the middle of a perfect onion. As we grow and become an adult, the onion grows layers on layers of thought forms that are projections from others, or baggage we have accepted. When the time is right, whenever that is, we begin to start shedding the layers.

Sometimes that shedding comes quickly, layer after layer dropping away after we discover a Truth about the world. Sometimes it comes slowly, because we are in our own way, stubborn to let go of something that blocks us. Sometimes we haven’t pulled ourselves out of the environment or relationships that suffocate us. We don’t know that we are able to do such a thing. We let the concrete dogma of others dictate how we are supposed to “be.” For me, I’ve let others dictate what kind of wife, sister, caretaker, worker, pet owner, step-parent, student, even friend I’m “supposed to be.” It’s not that I consciously took on all of these ideas or that I succumbed to pressure. I did what I thought was “me.” And yet, there are underlying stories I told myself that I didn’t even realize were being spoken. There were dialogues in my head that triggered feelings that felt real, but were completely false.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

In the last six months, the lessons have come in a rush. The first one has been the new habit of saying, “What story am I telling myself?” I’ve let go of the opinions of what it means to be a good sister, a good daughter. I’ve learned that I can dress how I want, eat what I need to eat for myself (even if it’s a cookie), and think for myself. That last is something that I have deceived myself constantly: I wanted to believe I was thinking for myself. For the most part, I think I was. Yet, there were still some stories I told myself that were not mine. Vestiges of another life. What made me realize it? I think it was a cascade effect. What stories am I telling myself became what stories are others telling me? Do I agree with it? How does it make me feel? What does it make me think? The feeling was key. If I had angst about something I said I did, I had to stop and ask myself, “what story is going through my head, right now.” It took physically saying it to the other person to make me realize it was just. a. story.

I’ve spent even more time getting to know myself and acknowledging my strengths and talents. This is one of those last layers where I’ve severely gotten in my own way. For many people, they learn early on what their talents and values may be. Some over-inflate their sense of self; yet, many more deflate their sense of self and slash, hack, and destroy their own worth. That self-esteem becomes warped and twisted based on the projections we give and take. I listened to a recent podcast called “The Cosmic Matrix” which recently published a show regarding projections. There was a lot of talking, but there were also some good suggestions about how to recognize projections and how to slip out of them – either your own or others. Long and short: Stop. Breathe. Think. And ask the question, “what story is being told here?”

Where Do I Go From Here?

Everyone projects. Every. One. Don’t think you don’t. Many times we react to what is right in front of us without stopping to assess the story. I do it all the time. We plow through life with an undeniable sense of right and wrong, never stopping to ask “is this right?” or “is this wrong?” These are the hard times that we all need to go through to grow. Of course my Journey isn’t done. Am I still breathing? Well then, there’s your answer. Nope.

I’ve heard it said that you need to go through all your past life lessons to be able to get to the spot where you’re ready to progress. I think that’s true. I think I’m almost there. I only wish it wouldn’t have taken until now to get here. But, I can only do what I can do. It makes my heart sing to see the ones that have arrived far sooner than I. They have the energy and the Light to make some remarkable differences in the world. I can’t tell myself there is a “should have” time when I should have groked it. I feel some regret but this just means I have to keep up the stamina to kick ass the rest of my life. Back to the treadmill, and away from the cookies.

Maybe this Journey of Self, my blog and writing, will help someone else. I don’t know. It helps me to be able to write it and sort it and eventually tuck it away for some thoughtful contemplation later. I hope your Journey is going well for you. Love and Light, chickpeas.